Welcome Home

Spring is here. Really, actually here. Sure, we'll have some colder, wetter days until things really start rolling, but I am just thrilled that the sun is shining. Have stroller, will travel.
As the weather settles, and life starts to fizz down into a nice, welcomed normalcy, I figure it's time to share one of many gold nuggets I have found during the deep sea dive into my postpartum psyche.
See folks, I've always been a dreamer. I really thought I could be Olivia Newton-John. I thought I could be Annie. I'm a master fantasizer (sounds like an 80's instrument), and always have been.
And although my husband wouldn't necessarily want to admit it, he's a dreamer just the same.
So there I was, big dreams big dreams - dreams so delicious they were worth thinking about all the time. The operative word there is think.
So then this thing happens - baby comes. And baby, with his earthly needs, brings everything into a whole new place: reality.
At first I was under the impression that I'd have to let everything go - all those golden, sparky dreams I'd acquired - but now I feel that what is actually happening is bigger, better, and more real. I could have sat forever thinking about making a dream become, but now there is no other choice but to refine the meaning of those desires and choose them from a new place, with new energy.
I want to teach my boy how to dream and actualize, and to go for his true heart's desires with the confidence that he has the tools to achieve them - whatever they may be.
But first, it's time for me to take a good look at what my dream really is - in reality. And please don't get me wrong here - although reality can seem like a bummer when you're a consummate dreamer, it's actually the place where things happen.

As Little Orphan Annie would sing, "I think I'm gonna like it heeeere!"
xo bb

The Way To Go

When I was twenty-seven years old (wow - so weird to look back...) I took a trip to Oaxaca, Mexico by myself. This was my third or fourth trip to Mexico alone, but my first time in Oaxaca. On prior trips, I had always booked things in advance. Although I was bold by traveling alone, I was also fearful of just getting to a place and winging it - it seemed too risky for a woman to do.
However, I decided that for my trip to Oaxaca, I would wing it except for the hotel bookings for my first and last nights. I knew I would head down to the coast, and that was about it.

I arrived in the city of Oaxaca and it was sheer chaos; there was a protest march, and people literally cramming all the avenues. I decided to head to the coast right away and get to the calm of the ocean. After a five-hour insanely windy (as in turning a lot) bus ride down through the mountains (I feel nauseous just remembering it) I arrived in the very hot and wonderful town of Mazunte. I trudged through the sand looking for a place to stay with my way-too-heavy knapsack. It was sweltering and I was trying to make a decision about staying in a hostel or getting my own cabina. I went over to the road and sat on my bag. A beautiful, sparkly young woman approached me and we started talking. She was German, and had been living in Mazunte for over a year. We took to each other instantly... "You come stay with us, yes?" She said with a smile.
She lived in an incredible house up a small hill, overlooking the ocean. It was called Casa De Geni because a mother and daughter (the daughter was Geni) built it together as their dream home. It was one of the most amazing and special places I had ever seen.
I ended up staying at Casa De Geni for the duration of my time in Mexico. It was, and still is, the best adventure I've had, with the most easy, honest, and fast heart connections with strangers. It was probably one of the first times in my life that I hadn't planned something, but just trusted in the magic of what life dishes up when you let go.

So now. Oh dear. Now, more than ever, with a new human being in my care, with the future seemingly mysterious, with the ups and downs of my emotions, and the clutch of anxiety on a daily basis, and the incredible change of life I am in the midst of, now - more than ever - I think is a good time to trust.

Only Love Can Break Your Heart

When I first started up this blog I was intending to write about my adventures as an entrepreneur. You know like, hey - I got this new account, or the cookie machine broke etc... but I've been on this extended mat leave and I must say that the adventures I'm having now seem to be far juicier than a new scone recipe.
So here goes. I'm going to be honest about some things...
In my earlier posts I wrote about the anxiety and insomnia I'd been experiencing. Well, it didn't really let up. In fact, it started to get worse, and I went into some very challenging and scary places with the sleep deprivation. I understand why it is used as a form of torture. This all lead me to finally reach out and get some help. I was hoping it would pass, or thought it was normal, or was just completely out of my mind that I wasn't thinking straight.
So here's the diagnosis: postpartum anxiety/depression. On the assessment checklist, one of the questions is "are you a perfectionist?" That one really struck me. I had some extremely high expectations for what I thought new motherhood would be like, and how I'd be feeling in it. Instead, it seems the opposite has occurred. It's been heartbreaking.
Since I am still a baker, I am going to tell you the recipe for what I experienced:
1) High expectations of motherhood
2) Expectations of an easy baby who just sleeps and smiles and eats (ha ha)
3) Extremely high expectations of myself
4) Wham-bam cocktail of hormones
5) Idea that I could return to work and just be my normal old self
6) Total life change in the blink of an eye
7) Being really hard on myself for all the above things

Motherhood is a tricky one. It is showing me the complete range of human emotion, and my own capacity to hold these emotions without falling apart. On the one hand, being a mom is earth-shattering, and on the other hand, is the most normal and common practice in life. So what's wrong with me? Why am I not strolling around with a goofy grin on my face, drinking a latte?
And why has that become an icon for what motherhood is? And why are women generally secretive about their dark sides?

At this point, I've had many conversations about these postpartum symptoms. I've seen two naturopaths, two GP's, two doctors of Chinese medicine, and one Reiki master. I've also had many conversations with women who experienced similar symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Here's what I know to be true: in the midst of the biggest change in my life - emotionally, spiritually, physiologically, mentally - I cracked open. Nothing was as it was. Everything felt unknown, and that made me shake in my boots. In this cracking open, there is a lot of debris, there is a lot to let go of, and there is A LOT to feel.
And why did I crack? To make space for love. A new love for my new self, and a new, huge, crazy love for a human being named Cedar. I have never felt so vulnerable and unsure. This is the craziest adventure of my life so far. I have no misconceptions now of what motherhood is - it takes you to the edges and far reaches of yourself so that you can hold a space for another human being to thrive and feel safe in. It is a giveaway. An act of pure service. And let's be honest, for some of us this is not so much our natural way... It's a serious learning curve.

The doctor of chinese medicine I am seeing put it so beautifully, 'You've lost your spirit. And your spirit is looking for a way to come back in. You are homesick. Home isn't where you live, it's where you belong.'
Last night I lay in bed and had the overwhelming desire to get home.

Mrs. Fix-it

I like to fix things. No wait - I LOVE to fix things. I am addicted to improvement. I find it ultimately satisfying to see something that isn't working well, and to find a solution for it to work better. This is great when running a business; it creates breakthrough moments in which the clouds part and everything fits, and then onward ho to the next stage.
So um, this fixing obsession I have is not the greatest approach with a baby, or on myself. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have been experiencing insomnia (for three months now!) and have been trying just about everything to fix it (except the exercise regularly component. Ugh. So tired). Baby has also been waking every 1.5-2hrs each night. Needless to say - no one is getting much sleep around these parts. Can I just say, to all you people who are thinking of having kids in the near future - SLEEP NOW. Sleep for the sleepless!
As I lie awake in bed, I think about these problems, and how to fix them. Fixing is an action that requires doing. Ah, how I love to do. But when it comes to the self, and definitely when it comes to another human being - it's not the best approach. Fixing can be scientific, and methodical, and human nature is not that. Maybe my body needs to experience insomnia right now in order to get my hormones leveled out. Maybe baby is waking every hour because he likes to party all night long. I really don't know. But I do know that I am making myself crazy in trying to FIX.
Outside of just wanting to get some sleep (naturally!), the impetus behind my fixing is to get a grasp of how life is going to work with a baby in tow. How will I go back to work? How will I get my needs met? How will Cedar get his needs met in the midst of all of it? I wish I could draw up a blueprint and follow a plan and know that everything will be smooth and perfect. But it's not so simple. Life is not smooth and perfect. I do know that everything will work out, one way or another - just not by means of planning and fixing and pushing. When I imagine the logistics of it all, I feel completely overwhelmed and hopeless. Here I am trying to plan out something I have never done before - something that revolves around the most precious thing in my world: Cedar.
Someone once told me that the heart - its feelings, workings, openings, and breakings - are like the eating of a pomegranate. It is messy. Let it be messy. Resign yourself to the juice on your chin. How many of us don't eat pomegranates because they just seem like too much work?
Life is a messy, juicy mystery these days. Almost heartbreakingly so. It doesn't need to be fixed - it just needs to be opened up into its many little seeds and lived - even if it's uncomfortable and messy.
There seems to be only one way to go these days: stop trying. Just stop. Dare I say trust? Have faith? Put intention into the sunshine of the spring and all the new little buds that are lying dormant right now. Nature doesn't worry, or plan, or fix. Nature just keeps on keeping on. Sleepless or not.
xo

Hitting The Wall

This morning I went to yoga. It feels like a feat to get out of bed these days, let alone go to a yoga class. However, I also know that the two hours a week I go to a class by myself are really, really good for me. As I was on my mat today, I encountered a part of myself that I'm not incredibly fond of, but who usually wins in most situations. Let's call it laziness, procrastination, reluctance - all wrapped up in a tricky little bundle who is incredibly convincing in her plight to keep things easy and safe. Do you have a tricky little bundle in your self-repertoire as well?
I always admire people who go further, who push themselves not out of masochism but the true desire for excellence. I also recognize where I can be very hard on myself, and also where I don't push myself at all. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do - go easy, or push?
I was doing my practice, but then pulled the teacher over to ask him for a stretch to help my incredibly tense shoulders. Next thing I knew there were two chairs lined up against the wall, and me in a crazy shoulder-type stand, with all the blood rushing to my head, afraid to fall. But you know what? It felt really good to be upside down this morning. It felt good to look at the floor from that angle and to leave my comfort zone.
As I was leaving (and about to pick up my coffee - yummm) I thought to myself that my biggest wall is that one - succumbing to the procrastinator who likes to stay safe. I run into her so often, and she seems to usually win.
I often think that in order to stretch my edge I have to sell my business, my house, and pack up the fam and move to the tropics or something. But isn't that just another way of being tricky? Can't excellence be found in every moment (or at least a lot of them) if I just try to do things differently or reach for my personal best?
That's a lot of words just to really be saying this: sometimes you have to be uncomfortable in order to grow or change.

Good Grief

I don't know how many times I'd heard people say, "once you have kids, your life changes forever." That seems obvious, but one never knows until they go through it just what that may feel like. In my recent posts, I've definitely alluded to a bit of discomfort and shell-shock with new parenthood. I really wanted to be ga-ga-goo-goo all the time, but I'm not so sure that's actually my style...
Two days ago, I was driving up Roncesvalles and happened to see the New Moon van out on delivery. I started to cry. And last week I was looking for something in my closet and found a box of clothes I haven't touched since having Cedar. That made me cry too. These things hint towards something a very dear friend/mentor/wise woman said to me, "you have to acknowledge that you are grieving the loss of your old self."
Ah yes. The maiden. The busy, working-all-the-time gal. The consummate seeker. The go-anywhere, travel all-the-time entrepreneur. The maiden. Who felt incredibly free all the time.
I don't use the word "free" loosely - because we are going to look at that now. What exactly is freedom? I believe it might just be a state of mind.
I find it easy to list off the things I "can't" do anymore - like take off to Mexico by myself and drink watermelon juice on the beach. But I did that already (okay, it's awesome, and I'll do it again when I'm 50).
So here we are - no longer the maiden. No longer the flying-by-seat-of-pants girl. It's time for a new definitition of freedom. Here's one I just found: the power to determine action without restraint.
I don't want to fall into the thought trap of "I can't do anything now that I have a kid" but rather, "life has revolved 180 degrees, how can I align with the movement?"
If I try to go back and do things the way I used to, I'll only feel burnt out and disappointed. And the old things don't feed me anymore. This is a huge list of things: the way I approached my work, the way I ran my business, the things I did for fun, the socializing I did. I miss the old self, but I think the new self will be pretty amazing too. I just don't think she's quite here yet.
The new self needs some time to form, time to hibernate, time to ga-ga-goo-goo all over my house. And then - watch out. Me and Cedar are taking the world by storm.
In the meantime, this is the good grief. Painful, yes. But necessary. Death gives life. Always has.

The photo at the top is me as the maiden. In San Diego. I don't really know how to surf, and in fact - that was my first time trying (and I dislocated my shoulder), but I think I look really cool in the photo. The photo below is the most recent shot of me and the Ceed, taken by fellow Mama and burgeoning photographer, Sara Marlowe.

Mamas can surf too. Probably better. One doesn't push out a ten-pound baby and not find a new will for the edge :)

Is This All There Is?!

A couple of months before my dad passed away, I remember him calling me one morning to share one of his grand revelations. "So I was just sitting here," he said, "thinking about life...and well - is this all there is?"
"What do you mean, Dad?"
"Like, is this all there is?" He started to chuckle. And I chuckled too. It was a bit of a relief to hear those words from a man who definitely lived a full and interesting life.
Maybe it's getting older, maybe it's having a baby, maybe it's reaching this certain point in life - but I too am wondering about the "this" of life.
There's something about the stillness and innocence of a new life (and sitting for many hours in my living room) that really has me wondering what it's all about, and of course, the busyholic in me is scratching at the walls looking for things to do to occupy my brain to make me feel like I am DOING something. But here's what I think might be the raw truth of life (wow, I sure am getting wise): life is actually quite simple. There's joy, pain, indifference, wonderment, love, loss, grief, happiness - many states of being to run around with. But underneath those states, life is simply life, and it keeps on going no matter how we feel about it.
I find this a bit of a bummer, to be honest. That probably doesn't sound very Zen of me, but I never said I was good with humility. Why a bummer? Because I've always banked on life being a wild rollercoaster FULL of busyness. But I'll tell you something - and this is a confession - underneath all the busyness is a wildly racing mind that seems to be pretty uncomfortable with just being. I am taming a beast over here...
Why am I thinking so much about all this? Because something in me doesn't want to be okay with just biding time anymore, or getting incredibly busy, or worrying about everything, or being complacent about life. My little boy seems to be bringing this out in me; the desire to live life more fully, and to dive into the moment.
So over here in my 12-step program to living life more fully I can tell you that the very first step is to be with yourself. Just be still, doing nothing, for even ten or fifteen minutes, or many hours in a day. See who is there.
I am hoping step 2 is something really good, like - go for a massage. Or better yet - discover what your true dream is.

More ramblings from a cabin-feverish Baker Babe
xo

The Birthing Continues

I remember one fine summer morning, sitting outside at a local coffee shop, and being interviewed. I was about 8 months pregnant, and was asked how I felt about becoming a mom and also balancing work. I said something along the lines of, "I believe that a baby can make your life bigger, not smaller." Essentially, what I meant was that life expands and you meet it - head-on.
I had some pretty lofty ideas about how I would balance baby and work. I said to myself, "no big deal - you take the baby to work." But then see - I had never had a baby before...
So I took Cedar to work a few times and found myself scrambling to complete some bookkeeping while rocking his carseat so he wouldn't wake up from his nap. It was a bit of a challenge.
I decided to take a bit more time off.

It's been a stressful thing so far - this wondering of HOW I will balance everything. I miss the bakery, I miss working, but am also just getting into the swing of relaxing at home with my little guy (watching movies, going for walks, changing diapers - it's not so bad).
For a few weeks there it seemed impossible in my mind; I worried that the bakery would really suffer. Then I remembered something: many, many people have had babies. Many, many women go back to work. Many women do incredible things with their babies in tow. So if I'm going to expand, shouldn't it be towards the direction of dreaming and doing incredible things that encompass both being a businesswoman and a mama?
Here is the ultimate, true test of myself as an entrepreneur: I can make this anything I want it to be. I steer this ship. This is my dream - what wild and wonderful things can I do that Cedar will also love?
The challenge I face right now is in my own peanut brain. Either I stress - or I expand. Either I tense and worry - or I breathe. Either I envision small grey dreams or big, boisterous, bright ones. Do you dare me?

And now, I sleep...
p.s. that's Cedar in his carseat as I try to balance the books.

The Obsession

I am writing a confession. Here it is: I have been completely obsessed with sleep. Not my own sleep, but the hypothetical future sleep patterns of my baby. There. I said it. Now bear with me because I promise - this is not going to be like one of those mommy blog posts. This will go somewhere.
If I haven't mentioned this in earlier posts, then I'll restate a fact which many people close to me will nod in agreement with: I am a control freak. This has been good and bad. Good because I started my own business and have been living independently since I was 17. Good because everyone needs to get a bit of their control freak on to really move the ship.
And then it's been bad. Bad because I attempt to control that which cannot be controlled.
Now here is why I am obsessing: I have decided that Cedar's ability to sleep well, and to nap like a good baby, and soothe himself blah blah blah is what will enable me to leave him with others knowing that he'll be okay, and to allow me to return to work when I need to. Do I sound crazy?
I know it's crazy, but I also know there are millions of other moms who obsess about this. I know because I have read those weird mommy forum things on the web about it (the confessions are just rolling now).
I have also read books about sleep, and sleep training, and when to, and why you shouldn't, why you should etc... Today I was getting a coffee and this older couple was admiring Cedar, and they told me they had three boys who were all grown, and I asked them, "So - what did you do for naps?" You know it's bad when you're hitting the streets looking for these answers...

Who knows why the control freak obsesses as she does. I am now reminded of the E-myth book
which I read a while back, and in it he makes a major point about entrepreneurs getting stuck in the role of the technician because they believe that no one else could do a job as well as them. For example, I have mopped many a bakery floor because I though it just wasn't clean enough.
I'm not exactly sure how this relates to motherhood and napping, but the thoughts are somehow linked. It's the bigger picture that counts. It's the bigger picture that requires attention - not the little things that can drag a day into madness.
See - I don't ever want to let him go. He's brand new and so little and I hold him ALL THE TIME, and one day he'll be big, and able to sleep on his own, and off to travel the world, and fall in love, and all that good stuff... So for now I act like a crazed woman.
This too shall pass.
Right?

My New Job

I always seem to have an excuse for not updating my blog, but this time I really have an excuse: his name is Cedar and he was born at home on October 9th, 2010. He weighed in at 9lbs 10oz! Good thing I had no idea how big the kid was...
He is almost 3 months old, and I am just now starting to feel and see some of the dust settling. I'll be honest - I thought it would be easy. I thought since I've owned a business for 13 years and always been a crazy go-getter who never stops, that a baby would have nothing on me.
I was so so wrong. So wrong in every way. He is everything I needed to set me straight about life, and we have only just begun.
I ran myself into a state of sheer exhaustion to the point where I developed insomnia and lost a bunch of weight, and wasn't eating enough, and trying to do too much, and obsessing about Cedar and his naps and diaper rash and whatever I could obsess about. All this because I attempted to approach motherhood the same way I've approached my work.
So here is what I learned: being a mother is not a job. It can't be a job. If it's a job then I'll treat it like work and then I won't enjoy it very much. If it's a job then I will try to control it, which will only backfire and make me crazy in the end. If it's a job then it will be just like everything else in my life that I could have enjoyed but decided to turn into work instead.
What is this obsession with work? Why is it that I only value myself if I'm working, and thus will make everything into a job?
So here's the catch: being a mother may just teach me how to enjoy. How to be in the moment. How to slow down. How to be cool with endless hours of the same things every day (until they change, of course). Being a mother may just teach me how to relax and go with the flow. The thought of it terrifies me a little bit (a lot), but also excites me. It would be nice to have a new approach, because the old one wasn't exactly working for me.

In the meantime, Baker Babe is hanging out with Cedar: he laughed for the first time yesterday.
I think I'll keep him.
xo