This is my favourite time of year; the end of a whole cycle, a whole watching-of-time. The end of the harvest, the changing of the leaves, the crispness of apples and cool air. But mostly, mostly - this is the time when I had Cedar.
The day after he was born my sister and mother-in-law came over and roasted a turkey and gawked over the baby and we ate pie and stuffing like real pros. Brian and I had bowls of leftovers for dinner every night for a week as we stumbled somewhat gracefully through our first days (and long nights) of parenting.
And now it is Thanksgiving weekend, two very full years later. Cedar's second birthday is in three days and we are in Montreal with Brian's family, trying to figure out the logistics for tomorrow's turkey and stuffing, and where we'll find a proper pumpkin pie in Montreal.
Things, you see, they all come together. Eventually. I say this because I feel that something in me has clicked. I feel like a mom. A good mom, or at least, the right mom for Cedar. Lately it is love-on-fire with him.
Being that it is Thanksgiving I simply wanted to say that I am thankful for him. I am thankful, so deeply thankful, that I get to be his mother and guide in life. For a long time there, I really didn't get it. I was in a lot of pain and overwhelmed and battling my own inner demons so much that I didn't feel or understand what was so great about motherhood. Honestly.
But something has happened. Maybe all those demons were just a big fire in my chest that could burn a place for my heart to open. Perhaps the overwhelm was sweeping me over to a new shore. And now I am here with an almost two year-old boy, and I understand what is great about motherhood, or why a woman may say that it is the best thing she has ever done.
I love to give to him. I love to know what he needs and when. I love to be with him and to discover him. I love the simplicity of needing to be nowhere else or do anything more. I love that who I am makes sense when I fall into step with him.
But mostly, this thing we have feels equal. We're clearly two spirits on the journey together. I don't feel that I am a wiser being than him, but that we are two wise beings learning from each other.
You know what it's like when you're in love? When time seems to slow down or speed up or just leave you alone, and everything looks brighter and you feel that you really don't need to do anything else except just exist in that moment? It's like that. On the good days, of course. Of which there are many more than the crappy days.
Happy Birthday Cedar. Thank you for teaching me how to love.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. This year, and hopefully for many more, I am thankful for giving.