I am writing a confession. Here it is: I have been completely obsessed with sleep. Not my own sleep, but the hypothetical future sleep patterns of my baby. There. I said it. Now bear with me because I promise - this is not going to be like one of those mommy blog posts. This will go somewhere.
If I haven't mentioned this in earlier posts, then I'll restate a fact which many people close to me will nod in agreement with: I am a control freak. This has been good and bad. Good because I started my own business and have been living independently since I was 17. Good because everyone needs to get a bit of their control freak on to really move the ship.
And then it's been bad. Bad because I attempt to control that which cannot be controlled.
Now here is why I am obsessing: I have decided that Cedar's ability to sleep well, and to nap like a good baby, and soothe himself blah blah blah is what will enable me to leave him with others knowing that he'll be okay, and to allow me to return to work when I need to. Do I sound crazy?
I know it's crazy, but I also know there are millions of other moms who obsess about this. I know because I have read those weird mommy forum things on the web about it (the confessions are just rolling now).
I have also read books about sleep, and sleep training, and when to, and why you shouldn't, why you should etc... Today I was getting a coffee and this older couple was admiring Cedar, and they told me they had three boys who were all grown, and I asked them, "So - what did you do for naps?" You know it's bad when you're hitting the streets looking for these answers...
Who knows why the control freak obsesses as she does. I am now reminded of the E-myth book
which I read a while back, and in it he makes a major point about entrepreneurs getting stuck in the role of the technician because they believe that no one else could do a job as well as them. For example, I have mopped many a bakery floor because I though it just wasn't clean enough.
I'm not exactly sure how this relates to motherhood and napping, but the thoughts are somehow linked. It's the bigger picture that counts. It's the bigger picture that requires attention - not the little things that can drag a day into madness.
See - I don't ever want to let him go. He's brand new and so little and I hold him ALL THE TIME, and one day he'll be big, and able to sleep on his own, and off to travel the world, and fall in love, and all that good stuff... So for now I act like a crazed woman.
This too shall pass.