Wednesday, 27 April 2011

I Don't Know

I don't like not knowing. But whether I like it or not, this is a time of not knowing. I've had (and continue to have) a fair bit of time to think. When all the busy-ness of life stops and one finds themselves sitting for long stretches of time guided by a tiny being who is perfectly happy to chew on a speckled squeaky giraffe, well - let's just say that I've finally come head-to-head with my mind. What a beast, I tell ya... A dear friend of mine put it very well the other day when she said that the journey from maiden to mother is about going within. So what have I found? A restless mind. Oh so restless. Likes to lurch into the future and have a clear picture of what is going to happen, likes to dwell on the past to make sense and meaning of things. Likes to fixate, fix, think, do, keep busy. After operating in this manner for many years, it is a bit of a shock to be in a very new pace with self and life.
Today I went to work and found that beastly mind getting up on its haunches and starting to demand things: "what am I doing with my life? What is the next step for my career? I feel creatively blocked. I want to make great impact, what can I do? What is my true calling?" and on and on it went. Then I went to the good ol' YMCA and sweated just enough to break the hold of the busy mind. After that - an afternoon with my little guy, doing things like looking out the window and rolling around on the floor. It puts things into perspective.
This is not the time to know what's next. It's not the time to be lurching forward or looking back. I could find some solace in this. I think people call this "relaxing". Some people may also call it "having faith". I've pretty much cornered myself into this.
So what do you do when you don't know? What do you do when you're searching for that next piece of inspiration, or piece of the dream, or answer to life's endless search?
I don't know. I honestly have no idea. So here's what I am going to do:
Hang out with my little family.
Hang out with myself.
Chop wood and carry water.
Make prayers.
Unwind this mind.
Maybe take a few breaths.
And oh yeah, have faith. And when I say faith, I mean find the deepest place of trust within myself and just let go.
I have a sense that if I can get Miss Busy Mind to relax, the clean-up crew of intuition will finally have some room to kick its legs out.

ps - that's me and Cedar. I know it's not exactly the photo that goes with this theme, or maybe it is. I don't know :)