Wednesday, 29 December 2010
My New Job
I always seem to have an excuse for not updating my blog, but this time I really have an excuse: his name is Cedar and he was born at home on October 9th, 2010. He weighed in at 9lbs 10oz! Good thing I had no idea how big the kid was...
He is almost 3 months old, and I am just now starting to feel and see some of the dust settling. I'll be honest - I thought it would be easy. I thought since I've owned a business for 13 years and always been a crazy go-getter who never stops, that a baby would have nothing on me.
I was so so wrong. So wrong in every way. He is everything I needed to set me straight about life, and we have only just begun.
I ran myself into a state of sheer exhaustion to the point where I developed insomnia and lost a bunch of weight, and wasn't eating enough, and trying to do too much, and obsessing about Cedar and his naps and diaper rash and whatever I could obsess about. All this because I attempted to approach motherhood the same way I've approached my work.
So here is what I learned: being a mother is not a job. It can't be a job. If it's a job then I'll treat it like work and then I won't enjoy it very much. If it's a job then I will try to control it, which will only backfire and make me crazy in the end. If it's a job then it will be just like everything else in my life that I could have enjoyed but decided to turn into work instead.
What is this obsession with work? Why is it that I only value myself if I'm working, and thus will make everything into a job?
So here's the catch: being a mother may just teach me how to enjoy. How to be in the moment. How to slow down. How to be cool with endless hours of the same things every day (until they change, of course). Being a mother may just teach me how to relax and go with the flow. The thought of it terrifies me a little bit (a lot), but also excites me. It would be nice to have a new approach, because the old one wasn't exactly working for me.
In the meantime, Baker Babe is hanging out with Cedar: he laughed for the first time yesterday.
I think I'll keep him.