Tuesday, 4 November 2008

The Irony of Freedom

I have worked my b-tt off for years and years. And not just my b-tt; my mind, my heart, my awareness - everything has been working overtime for New Moon Kitchen.
And I always said - "I want to build up the business so I can be an artist". And now here I am - with of course,  always growth to be had, but with the freedom to truly design it the way I want to.
For years I was a technician in my business - baker/bookkeeper/delivery girl/manager/sales rep/quality control/head of marketing. I did all jobs, all the time.  While my friends were in university or travelling, I was building the business, hoping that my investment would one day make sense.  And it has - but here I am, sitting atop an actualized goal and I don't know what the heck to do with myself!!!!
There is a beautiful story in the book called "the book of embraces" (Eduardo Galeano) about a hamster who had been in its cage all its life, and one day the cage was opened, but the hamster stayed in the cage trembling with the "fear of freedom".
I wonder now if the idea of "being free" (and what is that anyway?!) was what drove me all those years to bust a--. There has never been a moment where I wanted to give up on the business, even when I was down to the last drop of energy and something had broken and some baker had quit and I just couldn't do anymore. I knew I was doing it for something special, and I never resented the business.  
It makes sense now - as I look around at the amazing staff that I have, at the awesome products we make every day, the harmony that is inherent to New Moon. It's a beautiful, successful business!! 
So now what??
Now - oh now - I'm still wearing lots of hats - but they are a different kind. In fact, I'm wearing hats I've never worn before; singer, writer, entrepreneur. These hats make me nervous - I don't "know" what to do next. Does anyone have any idea what it's like for a Type A person to "not know"?! 
To be honest - I think the business is offering me some time to figure it out, to maybe even acknowledge what I have achieved, maybe rest this wild mind of mine...
Not sure yet. On the edge of my seat though.... will keep you posted.

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